The period before starting a road trip is always the most stressful. You feel as if you have everything squared away but inevitably forget something. Over the past few years I think I have developed a thorough mechanism with which to minimize such failings but still, there’s one that gets me. I’m the type of traveler who likes to hit the road hard and fast but more times than I care to remember I’m merging into traffic when it hits me; I should have pooped. I have the same feeling of regret about the fast-starting Trump administration.
After Trump became our President-elect I said alright, let’s do this – well, my actual words were: f%&*, s@#t, donkey teeth! For the most part everything started out fine, sure there was some shoddy journalism and the expected rioting following his election but he was the one, and one way or another he would take charge of the country. Then came inauguration day. Not one for ceremony, I did not watch and according to the media I was with every other American. However, according to White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, I was the only person on the planet who didn’t watch it. Seeing this and the “alternate facts” trend, I felt like I was stuck in traffic after eating at a $1 Chinese restaurant.
Now, when you’re on your road trip and realize you’ve forgotten to evacuate your body, you don’t just pull over at the next exit, you push on and hopefully forget about the potential fecal fiasco altogether. Being diligent however, you plan ahead to make sure you won’t be left in the middle of nowhere with no toilet paper to be found.
So now I’m looking ahead to see what comes next on the roadmap of President Trump. With the first media turf war of his presidency finished (underway?), it’s looking like I may be stranded in the desert for some time before the next rest stop. Not only is there the childish and narcissistic actions of President Trump, but there is his (and Ivanka’s) proposed childcare plan costing taxpayers an estimated $300 billion, his tariffs up to 45%, his healthcare plan which is strongly reminiscent of the Affordable Care Act in its promises, and his appointment of Rex Tillerson; who has some curious ties to and opinions about Russia, as Secretary of State.
Of course, after every bleak and barren landscape there is an oasis to be found. You know the one; cheap gas, well stocked mini-mart, clean bathrooms, and maybe even a McDonald’s. If you can only make it there to take your number two everything will be fine.
There is such an oasis in the policies of President Trump, too. Most importantly, retired Marine General James Mattis is now the Secretary of Defense; if that’s not water in a desert I don’t know what is. Then there is Trump’s support of Israel and Taiwan, and his plan to cut regulation and lower taxes. This oasis certainly has some merit, if only we can make it there. Just gotta breathe steady and think about things other than toilets and Twitter pettiness.
The moral is simple, America; whether you’re liberal or conservative there is something for you in this presidency. You can protest and riot about whatever it is that makes your sphincter tremble or we can move on together; one watching for cops as the other speeds to the next pit stop. Then maybe next election we can, I don’t know, nominate candidates who aren’t so full of shit to begin with.